I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
