Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
