So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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