I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
