Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My vagina just recognized that song.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
