if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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