Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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