I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
