So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
