Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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