It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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