Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
