he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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