I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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