my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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