I will die if light touches me.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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