there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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