peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
