First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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