he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
