I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
they're like a gay fantastic four
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
