There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
