Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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