I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
