i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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