Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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