i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
