You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
