woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
