mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The uberlube is also flammable
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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