I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
