Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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