You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
