On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
