sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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