True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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