i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
