I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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