Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
