what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
