i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
