the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
