I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
