apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
