I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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