Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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