if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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