I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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