She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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