I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
